In loving memory...

My grandma, Ione Elizabeth Estey, passed away on September 25th, 2009. This has been the hardest thing of my life that I have ever had to face. And believe me, my life hasn't been all that easy. It's so hard to explain how I am feeling. There's times when I'm fine; these are the times when I keep myself busy. But then there are times when it will just hit me like a boulder and I want to go crawl under by covers and cry.

I'm not ignorant, I know that she is in a better place now. I know that she no longer has to go through dialysis and injecting herself with insulin every day. I know that she no longer has to lie in a hospital bed while others wait on her, taking care of the needs that she prided herself in taking care of. My grandma was a giver, she was a nurturer, she was a survivor. It must have been so hard on her to have to rely on other people for her needs. She was always up and doing things.

The funeral was yesterday. In my native teachings I was always taught not to cry in the same room as the deceased. It gets them wet and cold and that's the way that they have to travel Home if you cry. But I physically could not stop myself. I feel bad. I feel really bad. When I was a kid I was at my grandma's house all the time, I will freely give credit to her taking a part in raising me.

It seems like almost every weekend I was there. She used to read me Reader's Digest at bedtime. LoL I remember staying up "late" and watching I Love Lucy on Nick at Night. We used to bake and make messes, because "that was part of the fun of baking." She used to get me peanut buster parfaits and I would sit in the car for what seemed like hours while she visited her friends. LoL There is so many memories that I have of my grandma. They must have been somewhere buried deep inside because all of a sudden all these memories came flooding back to me.

These last few years I haven't gone to see my grandma as much as I should have. Yes, I have kids now, yes, it's harder for me to get up and go than it is for others but I still should have been there. I'm sure she understands though, I hope.

My grandma taught me how to drive. When nobody else had the faith in me and in my abilities she trusted and believed in me. I honestly don't think that I would have a driver's license today had it not been for her.

I know that each day it's going to get easier. I know that people have died during my lifetime and I have survived. I will survive this too, I'm sure. Today I went to Bemidji. As I drove past the exit I would've taken to her house I realized something. Even though I haven't seen her much these past couple years and I knew she was sick and I should have been prepared for this, the world feels altered. My heart feels heavy. Like I can physically feel an emptiness inside me. But I don't think I want this to go away. I don't want my grandma to be just a memory. At least this way I can feel her around me, ya know?

Grandma, I know you're smiling down at me. You'll be in my passenger seat every time I'm driving. I hope you're with Grandpa now. I know my dad said you and grandpa used to like to dance together. It's raining today. I'm going to let myself believe that you two are dancing all the rain down on us. I know I didn't tell you this enough, but I love you.

Well hello!!

Fancy meeting you here! Come here often? I don't... obviously. So, I think it's been about 3, maybe 4, months since I've updated you. What can I say? It was summertime!

A lot of new changes for my family. Andy has taken on a second job at the Northern Lights Casino and I am so proud of him. Somewhat envious. I love my kids and I love knowing that I don't have to send them to daycare. On the other hand, I wish I could get out and interact with other adults and do something productive during the day.

In mentioning that, might I tell you that I am going to be starting school... again next Monday. I will be going to the Leech Lake Tribal College - not Bemidji State as I had hoped. I couldn't come up with the money that I owed to BSU in time to begin classes in the fall. My new plan is to get my AA degree at the LLTC while at the same time paying off what I owe so that I may transfer back in to finish my bachelor's degree at BSU. I guess I could have waited and just did it all at BSU once my payments were finished but I have a fierce appetite for knowledge now. I know that I am smart and I feel that I have been idle long enough.

My daughter, Aalydia is going to be starting headstart the week after I begin school. This whole schedule is going to be new to us. Since my kids were born we have been fortunate enough to be able to both stay home with them, with Andy working at home. Now three of us will have something to do almost every day of the week. I am excited and nervous for Liddy. I think, in the right setting and with the right guidance, she will thrive in school. I am also worried at the same time that if this headstart program ends up to be just a place where parents send their children to raise heck without organized activities that I may end up pulling her from school. I've never sent my kids to daycare to get them out of my hair and that is definitely not what I am doing this for. I plan on monitoring her progress and if I see any regression in her behavior I am an admittingly over-protectant parent and will not hesitate to step on toes.

I'm also worried about my son, Dru. He has always had one of us with him at all times. Whether it be Andy, his big sister to look or for him, or myself. Andy and I are going to work our schedules the best we can so as we don't have too many conflicting days. That way we can lessen the days he will need a sitter, which will be family, not daycare. I know that he is going to be so put out when he sees his sister get on the bus while he cannot. I'm sure he'll get used to it after awhile.

In other news, my sister, Shantel is all moved into her dorm at Notre Dame. We took a family trip there last week and helped her get all settled in. I'm so proud of her! What a great opportunity and awesome new life to start. A tiny part of me is a little jealous. While we will both be going to school she is going to experience so much more than I ever will. I already miss her, but don't tell her that! =-) I want her to have this. She deserves it!

Until next time... hopefully not in 4 months!

Miss me?

Hi all. I know I haven't posted anything in 3 weeks and so today I figured I better because I'm positive that I am letting down my legions of fans that check this site daily for a new post. LoL

Since the last time I posted my son's 2nd birthday has come and gone. March 29th to be exact. And you know what? Silly me did not get any pictures. There are a couple pictures of the birthday cake on my sisters camera but they are mainly just of the cake! Horrible mommy, I know. But it turned out to be a pretty good day. This was the first time we had a birthday party at our house with my family and Andy's family there. We had dinner, played a quick game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey sang the birthday song, ate cake and ice cream and Dru opened his presents. Honestly, it was nice after it was all done to already be home and just say good bye to our guests then be a little lazy family.

Dru started getting a cold that night. Aalydia had already been sick for a couple days and I followed a few days after Dru started. It is now starting to clear up two weeks later. Luckily, I think spring is here to stay this time... *fingers crossed* So we won't have to deal with the cold weather as much. The past few days it has been close to 60 degrees out.

Yesterday was Easter. We had an egg hunt for our kids at our house when they woke up, just in our living room and kitchen. Then, we all got ready and went to my mom's house for a bigger outdoor egg hunt. There were 5 kids that participated. Our 2, my niece and my mom's boyfriend's 2 grandkids. It was really nice for the kids to be outside exploring. They found all 71 of the eggs that were hid for them plus my mom had bags of candy for them. Yay... LoL

We ate dinner there and visited for awhile. This was the first time that I had met my mom's boyfriend's daughter and her kids. But it was comfortable. I have kind of been cautious about that whole situation but I think I am starting to relax a little. I am happy for my mom. I have noticed a big change in her. She is happy.

After we left there we went to Andy's parents house. The kids were so tired from the long day that they just napped the whole time we were there. Anyway, this is getting long. I'll leave you with some pictures from Easter...

The egg hunt at my mom's house...

A little vacation!

Hi everyone! Just wanted to share with you what we did this past weekend. Well, Thursday and Friday anyway. Okay, it kind of started on Wednesday when we decided that we just needed to get out of the house. We brought the kids to Andy's mom's house and we were going to go see a movie. Just so you know Andy and I only go out to the movie theatre maybe two times a year together. The last time was on our anniversary in November.

Well, we ended up not even going. Instead, we went and rented some movies and grabbed a bite to eat... at Burger King. Woo hoo... right? Well, we never go inside restaurants either with just the two of us so it actually was a nice little treat. After Burger King we had some time left before his mom would be expecting us so we went to the casino with $40. I hit a $500 jackpot!

The next day, Thursday, I went and paid some bills and went shopping. As a treat for our kids we rented a hotel room for a couple nights so that they could go swimming and get the heck out of the house. My computer genius daughter walked into the hotel room with me and immediately asked where the computer was so that she could play her games. Hikes! However, they did have a good time swimming. They were the most protected swimmers at the pool! I bought each of them a new suit with life preservers built in. I was still a nervious wreck. LoL

She would not take those goggles off until we made her! She looked like a racoon after.

I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time letting them join sports...

Kids Fishing Derby!

Hi I just wanted to post some pics from the fishing derby we went to yesterday. My heart was pounding being out on the ice in 45 degree temperatures, but it all turned out fine. Dru did awesome, he was so patient. Once he was at his hole and holding his rod he could not be bothered. He even declined a snack because he didn't want to let go of his fishing pole. He reminded me of a little old man just sitting there waiting for his fish to bite. I was telling Andy that when he gets a little older he'll probably be the type to grab his tackle box and bike in the morning and say, "See ya Mom! I'll be down at the bridge!"

Liddy liked fishing too. She was in awe of the minnow on her hook and barely kept it in the water long enough for the fish to notice it. She just kept reeling it in to show everyone the fish she caught! She wasn't as patient as Dru though so she would go and play and go sledding. Just the thing I was worried about she wasn't watching where she was going and stepped right into one of the fish holes. Luckily it was only big enough for her leg and not her whole little body to slip through. Andy broought her to the car and changed her immediately.

All in all it turned out to be a nice little event. Andy's mom, Della, had gotten tickets for her grandkids so the families all stayed together and it was a nice little family event.

At the end they did drawings and Aalydia won a bike with training wheels. She was so excited! And she's already come up with a few things she needs to get at Wal-Mart: a helmet, a horn and EVERYTHING! <-- Her words, not mine. Anyway, enjoy the pics!

My little old man!

This is Liddy with her cousin Sugar.

Liddy on her new bike!

A little fired up!

Andy has court tomorrow. He is going to court AGAIN for driving with a cancelled license. He was not drinking. He was simply doing his mom a favor by driving his teenaged sister home as she had school in the morning. He did not qualify for a public defender and being as far behind on some bills as we are he couldn't really afford one either. The cheapest lawyer we could find was $750 just to start looking at his case. I don't know if we were wrong to think this way but we figured the judge would find him guilty with or without a lawyer so what's the point of shelling out that much just for some guy to stand by him while he's being sentenced? I'm hoping (knock on wood, fingers crossed) that the judge will just be lenient with the sentencing. Like perhaps grant house arrest or something like that. His same judge granted house arrest for another gentleman that had just been found guilty for his third DUI so we are hopeful about that. It's just that I know that Cass County lets single mothers do house arrest so I'm thinking that if Andy explains our situation that they should find it similar.

Anyhoo, I didn't really even mean to mention any of that. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. THIS is what I wanted to talk about : Handicap Accessible doors!! I think it should be a Minnesota state law, if not Federal law that all places of business install electric door switches. I have worked very hard to become, for the most part, independent. I am proud of myself for getting my driver's license at the age of 17 with no major accidents on my driving record. I am proud to say that I drive my car with no adaptation whatsoever.

I am a 24-year-old female. I am a mom. I love to shop, I love to go to salons, and I like to go out to fancy shmancy restaurants. I even like to go out to the bar once in awhile. I am a your normal mass advertisement focused girl. I also use a walker for my Cerebral Palsy. It kind of hinders my independent image when I go out all dressed up and in shop-mode, but then you see me struggling with a door that could easily be fixed by a little electric switch. I know that many private owned businesses probably wouldn't fall under these laws, but don't they want my business too?? This really kind of has me motivaed to get my voice out there. I'm going to go look up how to get a law passed.

PS I also think it would be wise and NICE if places included more than one handicap stall in their restrooms. I know that places like Walmart and Target could afford it. I hate standing in the restrooms waiting for that ONE stall to become unoccupied while 5-6 people just walk into their little non-accessible stalls and walk back out before I have even got to use the one designated for me. Oh yeah, and 90% of the time it is not even a disabled person that comes out of it!

Until next time...

OMG My Hair!!!

LoL! Okay so I have recently made a tiny internal decision that I'm going to start doing things to treat myself nice and work toward setting myself up for a better future. This included not only going back to school and starting to sell AVON, but some small physical changes as well.

On Tuesday I went and got a full set of nails done at this place my mom and sisters have been getting theirs done. Joanna used to get my nails done for me in the cities when I was a teenager but after I moved back up here I didn't like the place they had in the mall so I never did it again. Well, not to be outdone by my mom and sisters I just had to go get mine done as well. I love them. They make me feel pretty. To continue onto that whole physical changes thing I went and got my hair cut and highlighted on Thursday. My sisters got me a gift certificate to get these things done for Christmas and I had waited until this day to use this portion of it. They had also included a manicure and eyebrow wax on the certificate but I had already used that portionon a previous trip to the salon.

I think it is important to know that I have not gotten my hair cut since right before my son was born. He is going to be two-years-old on the 29th of March. Also, I have not highlighted my hair in close to five years so by now it was all my natural color. So, here's some pics!

Before the cut...

And then...

This is the day after when I kinda styled it a bit. I liked it better the day after.

Anyway, I think I'll leave you on that note. I do have a couple more thoughts floating around in my head but I need to go as we have to start getting ready to go to my in-laws to eat. So, don't be surprised if you see a post sooner than a week from now!

Until next time...

Independent AVON Sales Representative!

That would be me! You know, I have been going through a lot at home that I don't necessarily share on here just because I don't want this to be a place to make myself look pitiful. So, to make a long story short my "partner" *ahem* isn't all that helpful with bills and so it kind of leaves me scrambling trying to figure out how I can do it all by myself. At this point I am not ready to go back to work full time because I know that I would just be sitting there worrying about how my kids were being taken care of. So, I decided to take a small step. I have become an Independent AVON Sales Representative. That is my proper title.

This will be something to do just for me. Kind of something to keep me sane I guess. I also love the products myself, so I'll probably be ordering for myself. I used to order from a gal I worked with at the Palace. She would come to work and give out the brochures to all the departments and EVERYONE would order from her. Even the guys would order things for their girlfriends and cologne for themselves. Anyway, they ended up making her stop because it was soliciting at work and she was delivering the product right there and I'm sure it didn't look good to see money exchanging hands between employees at a CASINO of all places! Boo!

Well I missed the product and thought it would be fun to get involved. It will also give me a reason to go meet people and go visit friends =-) So I'm looking forward to it! I have an online store and even people that live in... oh say Alaska... can even order from me!

http://www.youravon.com/lnorthbird

On to other news... I have been inspired by my sister, my dad and my mom. I am going back to school. I was thinking about going to the Leech Lake Tribal College just to go to school for something but now I have decided that it won't really prepare me for life. I am going to go back to Bemidji State fall semester. I hope. I am going to contact an advisor probably at the Indian Resouce Center and see if they can help me. I guess I just feel that if I go to one of the regular advisors they might just toss me in a boat with all the other students. But I have a feeling that if I contact the Resource Center and plead my case to them that they might be more likely to jump on board with me and get the ball rolling!

This will be my third time going to BSU and I know that I will not qualify for Financial Aid but I am sure that I can work something out. I am willing to go part time for 10 years as long as I finish this time. The first time I tried was when I was in Golden Valley and I was doing it completely online. I was fresh out of high school and trying to do a 12 credit workload independently with no deadlines besides the end of the semester. I don't recommend that! The second time I went I appealled my Financial Aid and won but on the terms that I took 12 credits again. Aalydia was 8-months-old and I had just recently found out I was pregnant with Dru. Yeah, I was going on-campus then but that time didn't last too long either. Well, this is going to be it. I can feel it. The Power of 3 right?

Until next time...

News in the World of ME!

Well, I thought it might be time for an update. Since I last spoke at you people the holiday known as Valentine's Day has came and gone. I think I will give my Valentine's Day evening an okay rating.

I got all gussied up and went to get my sisters to babysit for the evening. They came over to my house because my kids just seem to listen better here. After we left our house at 7:15 we went to play machines at the Palace for a little while but we had a time limit as we had dinner reservations at 8:30 at the Ranch House in Walker. While we were at the Palace we pretty much broke even because I doubled up what Andy gave me to spend ... but he lost about that same amount. So we left there on an okay note.

Next we went to the Ranch House where we met his parents, and two of his brothers with their wives. I kind of thought that I would have wanted to go have dinner with just my Valentine but it turned out really nice. We talked about it on the way there and if we would have just gone by ourselves we probably would have talked about our kids the whole time. So it was nice to have some adult conversation with other people. It was a lot of fun! The ladies all ordered cocktails. I think his Dad and his brother Art had a beer. I have never been to a restaurant where I ordered "a drink" with my dinner. I ended up having two while we were there and I had All You Can Eat Shrimp. Yumm-o! Don't worry, we were there for awhile. When we got there the place was packed. When we left it was just us and the waitresses. LoL

After that we got talked into going out to the Northern Lights with the rest of his family and we shouldn't have. We lost our asses off! We should have just left on a good note, but we didn't. So since then we have just been staying home this week. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!

Until next time...

Just some random thoughts...

Well, I know I haven't updated my blog in a few days, but honestly, I don't lead that exciting of a life. So I think one post a week will be a good thing. Keep you in suspense and all that great stuff.

Let's see, what's new... Last Thursday I went to Target to get some organization items. We have newborn outfits from when our daughter was born... December of 2005. So I got a big tote thing or plastic storage container and I labeled it Rummage/Consignment and am determined to organize this place a bit. I want to have a rummage sale sometime this spring or summer. We still have a lot of "baby gear" and since I think that Dru is always going to be our baby that it's going to be okay to part with the stuff. I do feel a little guilty though because my family helped me acquire a lot of it and spent good money on the stuff. But I know I have to be rational and realize that they didn't expect my babies to stay babies forever and I could use the money toward something new and age appropriate for them.

I also went out with some friends on Friday night. I go out to the bar maybe 2 or 3 times a year. The time previous to this was on Halloween. On New Year's I didn't have anything to drink so I had told myself that maybe my New Year's resolution would be to not drink this whole year. Well, I broke that to go out with my friend for her birthday. I didn't get home until 9am and only got two hours of sleep before I got up for the day with my kids. I think I am over it. I feel too old to be doing all that. I would really rather just get a full night's rest so I can keep up with my kids. But, I am not making any resolutions or promises because I know that I will eventually want to go socialize for a night again, but as of right now it's at the very bottom of my list of things to do.

Until next time...

Howdy ho neighbor!

Well hello. This is my first blog. Or post, I don't know the lingo, but I'm sure you get the picture. I don't know who this is all going to be available for to read, but weirdos, please look elsewhere! =-)



I guess I just thought I would do this because I spend so much time at home, with three people to talk to. My boyfriend, my 3-year-old daughter, and my 1-year-old son. Needless to say, I don't always get to express myself as much as I would like. I do have friends, but sometimes I have a hard time calling people. When I was a teenager I was on the phone 24/7, but now that I am a mom, and all of my friends have kids it's harder to find time to sit and visit. So I thought I would just vent problems and celebrate successes on here, let my friends know about it, and when and if they have time to check it out, cool.



Anyway, right now not much is going on with us. We are spending a lot of time at home because of the cold. I am looking forward to spring time, minus the storms. I am getting Cabin Fever having to stay in the house so much. I am also looking forward to the spring and summer now that my babies are getting a little bigger.



Andy just bought me a sewing machine and I'm really looking forward to learning how to use it. I am really looking forward to learning how to make dance outfits for my babies. If I get good enough I am kind of hoping to start taking orders, or making them ahead of time and going to craft fair or getting a stand at the pow wows.

So, this is my first post. I hope to stay active with it and let people know what me and my little familia are up to. So check back every now and then!