My grandma, Ione Elizabeth Estey, passed away on September 25th, 2009. This has been the hardest thing of my life that I have ever had to face. And believe me, my life hasn't been all that easy. It's so hard to explain how I am feeling. There's times when I'm fine; these are the times when I keep myself busy. But then there are times when it will just hit me like a boulder and I want to go crawl under by covers and cry.
I'm not ignorant, I know that she is in a better place now. I know that she no longer has to go through dialysis and injecting herself with insulin every day. I know that she no longer has to lie in a hospital bed while others wait on her, taking care of the needs that she prided herself in taking care of. My grandma was a giver, she was a nurturer, she was a survivor. It must have been so hard on her to have to rely on other people for her needs. She was always up and doing things.
The funeral was yesterday. In my native teachings I was always taught not to cry in the same room as the deceased. It gets them wet and cold and that's the way that they have to travel Home if you cry. But I physically could not stop myself. I feel bad. I feel really bad. When I was a kid I was at my grandma's house all the time, I will freely give credit to her taking a part in raising me.
It seems like almost every weekend I was there. She used to read me Reader's Digest at bedtime. LoL I remember staying up "late" and watching I Love Lucy on Nick at Night. We used to bake and make messes, because "that was part of the fun of baking." She used to get me peanut buster parfaits and I would sit in the car for what seemed like hours while she visited her friends. LoL There is so many memories that I have of my grandma. They must have been somewhere buried deep inside because all of a sudden all these memories came flooding back to me.
These last few years I haven't gone to see my grandma as much as I should have. Yes, I have kids now, yes, it's harder for me to get up and go than it is for others but I still should have been there. I'm sure she understands though, I hope.
My grandma taught me how to drive. When nobody else had the faith in me and in my abilities she trusted and believed in me. I honestly don't think that I would have a driver's license today had it not been for her.
I know that each day it's going to get easier. I know that people have died during my lifetime and I have survived. I will survive this too, I'm sure. Today I went to Bemidji. As I drove past the exit I would've taken to her house I realized something. Even though I haven't seen her much these past couple years and I knew she was sick and I should have been prepared for this, the world feels altered. My heart feels heavy. Like I can physically feel an emptiness inside me. But I don't think I want this to go away. I don't want my grandma to be just a memory. At least this way I can feel her around me, ya know?
Grandma, I know you're smiling down at me. You'll be in my passenger seat every time I'm driving. I hope you're with Grandpa now. I know my dad said you and grandpa used to like to dance together. It's raining today. I'm going to let myself believe that you two are dancing all the rain down on us. I know I didn't tell you this enough, but I love you.
